Failure: Life's Treat, As Well...
After about a month of waiting for the supervisory exam results, it finally came, And I didn’t make it. I felt disappointed about it. Initially. My bruised ego is demanding for an explanation. From whom, I cannot fathom. But I love myself enough to ever switch my psychological state into "Depression Mode". Deep in my heart, I’ve longed-known --- and may even subsconciously hoped and prayed for exactly this negative result.
My move from ONB to DBP was not entirely because of ONB’s rotting leadership and policies. Well, that was just a part of the many reasons, in fact. I was not entirely lying when I told them that I was moving out because of my family--- particularly my baby. After taking the supervisory exam, I tried to weigh things over and out of that I realized that a positive result would mean complications into my now stress-free and a whole lot less complicated life.
Going to Manila for a one-year supervisory training would mean uprooting (again) Boboy and totally modifying our already-made up plans of settling in Gensan. Of course I’ll have to bring Baby Aleeza with me too. I cannot bear the thought of being away from her. So, who’s gonna take care of her when I’m off to the training center? Boboy cannot possibly handle that all by himself. And I cannot, for the life of me, imagine bringing both my parents with us in Manila… They will not like it there. And even if they will pretend to, I’d see right through them. No, I cannot bear thinking of them doing all the sacrifices for the sake of my career ambitions. Plus the expenses of living in Metropolitan Manila. I have been there several occasions and if it weren’t for company subsidies, I would have starved. Everything there is either for sale or for rent. Nothing’s for free except for noodles and beverage samples in the malls.. and they are not on a permanent basis. And then there are the credit card bills… The list is endless.
Being the positive thinker that I am, however, I know that there are always ways to make both ends meet. But thinking of Aleeza, I couldn’t just take the risk. Though I’d be a hypocrite if I’d say I didn’t consider it. But in the end, there’s always that nagging feeling that such an opportunity is not really for me. In my heart, I have fully understood and have accepted that a long time ago ---even before I have taken the exam. But my ego just isn’t used to fail and it has refused to accept that I am no longer the feisty-risk-taker it had lived with for so long.
I have had my share of disappointments and frustrations in both my personal and professional life. And each one contributed much to who I am and how I think today. There isn’t a single failure that led me to something I didn’t appreciate after awhile. All of them made me a better person in every aspect.
My move from ONB to DBP was not entirely because of ONB’s rotting leadership and policies. Well, that was just a part of the many reasons, in fact. I was not entirely lying when I told them that I was moving out because of my family--- particularly my baby. After taking the supervisory exam, I tried to weigh things over and out of that I realized that a positive result would mean complications into my now stress-free and a whole lot less complicated life.
Going to Manila for a one-year supervisory training would mean uprooting (again) Boboy and totally modifying our already-made up plans of settling in Gensan. Of course I’ll have to bring Baby Aleeza with me too. I cannot bear the thought of being away from her. So, who’s gonna take care of her when I’m off to the training center? Boboy cannot possibly handle that all by himself. And I cannot, for the life of me, imagine bringing both my parents with us in Manila… They will not like it there. And even if they will pretend to, I’d see right through them. No, I cannot bear thinking of them doing all the sacrifices for the sake of my career ambitions. Plus the expenses of living in Metropolitan Manila. I have been there several occasions and if it weren’t for company subsidies, I would have starved. Everything there is either for sale or for rent. Nothing’s for free except for noodles and beverage samples in the malls.. and they are not on a permanent basis. And then there are the credit card bills… The list is endless.
Being the positive thinker that I am, however, I know that there are always ways to make both ends meet. But thinking of Aleeza, I couldn’t just take the risk. Though I’d be a hypocrite if I’d say I didn’t consider it. But in the end, there’s always that nagging feeling that such an opportunity is not really for me. In my heart, I have fully understood and have accepted that a long time ago ---even before I have taken the exam. But my ego just isn’t used to fail and it has refused to accept that I am no longer the feisty-risk-taker it had lived with for so long.
I have had my share of disappointments and frustrations in both my personal and professional life. And each one contributed much to who I am and how I think today. There isn’t a single failure that led me to something I didn’t appreciate after awhile. All of them made me a better person in every aspect.
I believe that everything life has to offer is truly a treat.
Failure and success, all the same.
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