If God should give me a son, I will name him Noah. For I envision him to be one who will make God smile. One who will be a pleasure to the Lord… just like the biblical Noah.

I often hear people laugh each time I tell them,” I’m gonna have a son after my daughter Alee, and I’m gonna name him Noah, for he will be a source of God’s joy.” Most people think it’s unthinkable because Alee is barely a year old and how can I be sure God will give me a son after her? What if He will give my husband and me another daughter? Some marvel at the thought of having a name for an unborn son. Some though, think it’s simply ridiculous to have a name for a child yet to be conceived. I often think of the same thing. It’s crazy, right. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. Deep in my heart, I know God will give me Noah in His own perfect time. Soon.

But at this point in my life, aside from focusing on Alee, I feel and hear God telling me that before He brings Noah into the scene, I should learn how to make Him smile myself. For how can I mold Noah into that person who would win God’s favor if I myself were a complete failure?

To have better children, we have to be better mothers. To have the best children, we have to be the best of mothers. Children are who they are because of the people around them. If there be one person who could influence them, who could touch them, who could create that one big impact in there lives, it has to be their mothers. As early as the first beating of a child’s heart inside his mother’s womb, the mother’s attitude towards the life she bears can already make or unmake it.

Over the years, even before I became a mother myself, I often hear Nanay’s friends complain about how their children disappoint them. How they wish they were different. How they wish they were like somebody else’s child. And how they have gone through difficult times and how much they have given for their children’s sake and yet they did not get what they wanted to reap. And always, Nanay’s response would be, “You haven’t given enough… nor have you gone through difficult times enough.” She couldn’t have said it any better. If they wanted their children to change, they should have started the change within themselves.

When my siblings and I were growing up, we had to follow many household rules. Some of them were, to wake up at 6am, make the bed and do our assigned household chores, be inside our house on or before 6pm, and wash up and change into nightclothes before going to bed. We also had to pray the Novena during All Souls’ Day with Nanay. Although we were annoyed to follow these rules, young as we were, we followed them to the dot because Nanay followed them herself. She wakes up before 6am, makes up their bed, washes the laundry, cleans the yard, and washes the plates. Whenever she goes out to visit friends and relatives, she was always home before 6pm. She never failed to pray the novena too. Nanay not only gave us her time, efforts, strength. She also gave us her examples. These examples made us who we are today and I believe that was her strength as a mother. To lead and mold by her examples. By living her teachings. By giving her self to all of us --- Tatay included.

With motherhood, giving is limitless. I guess that is why it is said that motherhood is the most noble of all vocation because it is all about self-sacrifice. It is all about giving----- even if you’ve ran out of yourself.

Last night, we did a short necrological service for one of our retirees who died of cancer. As I stared at the slideshow presentation and listened to its background music, I thought about the certainty of death and the uncertainty of when it would befall on everyone in that hall. I humorously told an officemate who was sitting beside me that one should collect a lot of photos so that there would be enough to show during one’s wake. She laughed at that and replied about picking out the most beautiful and sexy shots and making sure those would be the ones shown during the funeral. We both had a good laugh but that left me thinking seriously about that day when I’d be in a coffin.

The idea of dying is undeniably unspeakable. I have this belief that one shouldn’t talk about something that you wouldn’t want to happen, so the topic of death is an absolute no-no in our household. I don’t have the courage to think about it just yet. So, I really don’t understand why I had this crazy notion of coming up with my own necrological service program for myself. Plus a list of people I’d like to speak about my life and me, and the songs that I’d want played over the whole program. It’s crazy. But why not? Isn’t it that we should leave rooms for serendipity in our lives? After all, as one speaker said, the world is full of things nobody has ever dreamt about.

So if I’d have my way, I’d like my necrological service program to start with an audio visual presentation of me. Something like what Sandy made for my wedding. Of course, she should make it too. She’s my bestfriend so she should know how I want it to be. The background music should be lively. Some songs from my all time favorite Korean Teleserye, Full House will do. Then an opening prayer follows. That should be sung. Maybe Aris could sing that for me. The testimonials would take some time, I think. I’d like Bingo to start it. My dear mentor and friend. He’d make a good speaker of my professional life. I know he’d do it with humor and ease, so that should make everyone feel less sad and a whole lot happier. Ate Shei better make sure she’ll prepare even a half sheet talk on me. If she won’t, I’d make sure she wouldn’t sleep for at least a day or two. Hahaha.

I look forward to what Cris and Ms. Lace have to say about me after all the luncheon meetings we’ve had. It would be exciting to know what they really think of my stories and opinions. Atty. Elvie would make a great speaker during this time. I’m curious about how she would induce humor in her “about-me” speech without sounding unsympathetic. She’s such a pro. Sir Ichie wouldn’t agree but I must demand he speaks. After all, who knows me better than anyone else if we talk about DBP. He should come, no matter where the world would take him. Harharhar.

My dearest and still my favorite teacher, Ms. Nore would talk about me being a student. She’d probably say I’m the most kindred of spirit for all the childish things I did during 5th grade just to make her, our adviser, happy. But I hope she’d talk about how much she misses Queen’s company and mine because I truly do miss hers too.

I’d be very happy to hear what Joanne has to say about being her classmate since kindergarten and why she always has something for me during Christmas despite not being reciprocated over the last decade we’ve been friends. Eljoie’s speech would surely be long and full of wonderful memories of sleepless nights making our yearbook and how difficult and yet how rewarding it was to go through school without having much to spend for what’s necessary.
The LMS would talk about our college years and our trips too. I know they’d talk about our most awkward and funny moments together and I know too that those would be spoken in between tears and laughter. I might just be smiling--- and crying from my coffin. I would miss them all so terribly.

Chingkee would surely reminisce the very first time she met me. I didn’t really make a very good first impression to her. But she’d most certainly say I ain’t who meets the eye. Hahaha…. April Ann should make sure she wouldn’t miss her part. She’ll most probably spill some of our naughty chitchats, but not quite enough, I hope. Just so there’ll be rooms left for the audiences’ imaginations.

The kittie boys should be there too, and speak out a couple or so of sentences about me. I’d like Bryan to speak in their behalf. He’s by far my most favorite among them. Probably because he’s the least transparent about his exploits, if you know what I mean ((laughing out loud).

I would like to hear what Ate Belle has to say of me as her sister-in-law. I hope she wouldn’t mention anything about my financial mishap. Haha! Papa might say a thing or two. But I doubt he would. I didn’t hear him speak during Mama’s funeral.

My most loved cousin Queenie would have to say her part no matter how hoarse she maybe from crying over her loss. I guess nobody knows me the way she does. I have always been amazed at how good she remembers things, events, and people from our childhood. She’ll have much to say about our growing up years and I could just imagine my soul grinning down at her as she starts trudging down memory lane with her speech.

My brothers and sister would also have to speak. They’d be crying but I would love to hear what they have to say about me as their big sister. For all my imperfections as the eldest, I know deep in their hearts they have great things to say about me. Nanay and Tatay would have to be the most hurt amongst the crowd. I dare not say I look forward to hearing them speak. I might just die again for crying damn hard.

I hope Boboy would speak though, but only if he feels up to it. I really don’t think I could stand hearing him say why I had to go ahead. That would leave me feeling guilty and being unfair. I hope he’d have much to say about how good I was at being a wife to him and mother to our kids. And then, my beloved princess, Alee and my darling Noah. I hope they’d have much to say about how good I am at being their mom. Of how they’re going to miss me.

I couldn’t help but smile at this. This is by far the craziest thing I’ve ever written in my entire 30 years. On second thought, at least now, I can truly say that, although the thought of dying could still send shivers through my spine, I have more or less accepted the fact that sooner or later that’d be me inside the coffin. That’d be me being given the last tribute. On that day, the saddest person would be me. For I’ll be missing all these people who’d made life so livable and wonderful despite the hardships and uncertainties. Kaya Lord, please, let me live another 50 years. Please. ;p