I’d be honest about it. Becoming a parent is the most sacrificial role God had given me. I’d be a fraud if I’d say it had been all roses and no nails parenting Alee for the last 15 months. And this I feel despite not being able to be with her all 24 hours of the day. It would be pure lie to say that I love every minute of waking up in the wee hours from a deep sleep for her feeding, enjoy every sleepless night each time she has colds, or beam with joy while trying to appease her after the nurse put her on IV during those times she was admitted to the hospital.

I have always pushed away those thoughts that would lead me to think of the good times I've had had before Alee came to my life. But they almost always come creeping up on me on times I least expect them to. For instance, there's this new book shop at the mall and being the bookworm that I am, I took a quick detour on my way to the grocery to get a glimpse of those attractive book covers lining the shelves. I was so overwhelmed to see so many works of my favorite authors that what was originally a quick glimpse became a long read over many book teasers. I spent around an hour and a half going over the shelves. Then I realized I had to move along. The grocery would close in 15 minutes. If I’d been single, I wouldn’t have to rush. I could have stayed on browsing over the shelves, losing myself on those crisp pages, and most of all, buying a book or two. But gone were the days that I could do that. Books have long been stricken off my priority list. Baby formula, diapers, and vaccine shots have replaced them. Oh how I miss those carefree days! This is the most common disadvantage of being a parent. You don’t anymore get to go on a spree on things that you once spend on. After all, there are more important things to buy than the latest Sandra Brown or Judith McNaught novel.

I also don’t get to go on a spontaneous trip like visit Boboy at Davao City on weekends when my romantic spirit strikes, go on a movie marathon with friends, or even do ukay-ukay on days I feel like it. Everything has to be scheduled and planned out, with Alee’s best interest at the forefront. These are probably the same reasons why some married people I know put off having a child for the longest time. They are afraid to let go of the spontaneity that childless couples get to enjoy. Sometimes, I think about the what-ifs. What if Boboy and I also put off having a baby for a little while longer? Like maybe a couple more years? Would it have made a significant difference in our lives?

Okay, back to my story, so I went forth to the grocery and bought Alee’s milk supply for the week only to find out that it cost P15 higher than the week before. With a heavy heart, I trotted off to the counter with the 1.8KG can of milk in tow. For some people who know me, it might come as a surprise that an increase of a few peso would matter. I used to be unwary of such a small amount. But ever since we had Alee, Boboy and I make it a point to be mindful of the things that we spend on. We now compare brands and prices--- even PUV fares! Unlikely, but it’s true. But it’s a welcome change. Alee’s existence in our lives made us realize the value of money and the importance of saving up for the rainy days. These are things I find more essential to life than spontaneity and sprees.

I guess parenting does have its disadvantages and advantages, just like most things in this planet. I am pretty sure that all moms and dads, at some point of their lives, find themselves looking back at those times before their children came along. Those days when the priority list is consisting mostly of things that would satisfy one’s self like shoes, bags, and travels instead of trips to the pediatrician’s clinic and multivitamin drops. I also think most parents, at some point, wish they could spend a day off washing feeding bottles, changing nappies, and picking up the clattered toys in the living room. But it doesn’t really mean these parents are giving up parenting as a whole. Everyone gets tired of playing a role or doing a task --- even those that we love and enjoy. We tend to feel exhausted once and awhile. And that doesn’t leave parenting as an exemption. But take note, being tired of it all is only good for some time. We always get back to doing things that we love---- things that give us fulfillment and great rewards. And parenting is so full of these seemingly small yet so wonderful rewards. When I get home from work, I always look forward to Alee’s smile and the feel of her small arms around my neck. Each time I appear at the door of my parents’ house, the glow in her eyes and her excited squeal never failed to make my heart beat faster with pride and joy. The sight of her takes all the negativity from work away. Each morning I delight at her voice when she wakes up and calls out “Mommy”. As I stare at her when she sleeps and listen to her breathing, I am amazed at this wonderful creation I helped brought out into the world. It’s a big question how God could entrust me with this precious human being. I must be damned not to be grateful. ---- And I must be an alien if I don’t get tired once in awhile. 11.10.2010